In the effort to be completely honest I must warn you this may not be the most cheery of posts; long distance is hard and can be very...trying at times. Also if you are reading this as a source for advice- take it with a pinch of salt and consider how different all relationships are. Me and George had already been going out three and a half years before we parted so we had a good firm base to work up from. A big factor which affects us (again, I only say this in the effort to be honest, not to be bitchy) is the fact that not both of us wanted to do long distance. I am a little soppy and sentimental and so tried really hard to get into the uni George wanted to go to. He is a little more work-centric and so had a very clear idea of where he wanted to go. Of course his stance is totally understandable, but I cannot say that it doesn't factor into A LOT of our arguments!
SO! Me and George have just started our second year (of three) living in a long distance relationship. We're in an awkward phase at the moment where I have started term but he hasn't and therefore it's all a bit unsettled. We're always busy settling in or seeing friends or working and so it feels like for a while the relationship kind of comes second. It feels kind of like the danger phase you know? You're not really putting in too much effort so OF COURSE you're not going to get a lot back and then suddenly all the sadness of it hits you when you're drunk or sleepy or just on your own for a while and suddenly you're crying down the phone and wailing about betrayal. Sigh. It's tiring. I'm hoping that, seeing as George is starting term very soon, it will all start to get a bit more regular. Because it did get a bit more regular towards the end of last year and i did get easier. That is my current mantra.
-See each other as much as possible. This is a given. We try and visit alternating weekends if we can. It's hard not to live for the weekend this way, and it's also hard not to wish plans could be a little freer but it's better than not seeing each other. If this isn't really an option because of money or distance then Skype like crazy! My friends Thomas and Nikita are amazing at this; they always make time to talk to each other and seem to be doing great because of it.
-Make friends with each other's friends. I LOVE GOING TO DURHAM! George's friends are awesome and it's great to look forward to hanging out with them, as well as him. It's also good because then you're not putting so much pressure on having a dream date with that one person and feeling all clingy, because you're there to see other people too.
-Try and do new things. We always fall down with this one. Like, always. Whenever I see George I always feel so tired from a full week that I never really feel like going out or planning an elaborate date and I just want to curl up and cuddle instead. That is good, but it does often lead to feeling a bit unfulfilled and like we wasted our weekend, so this month I really want to try and plan more.
-Have something to look forward to. It really helped us last year to have our holiday to look forward to and this year it's really helping having a big anniversary party to plan. A joint experience in the future will keep you together in the present...oooh look at me getting all wise!
-Stay in eachother's lives. I think this may be the most important one. If I meet a new friend, if something happens that's funny or if I learn something cool that day; I really make an effort to phone up George at the end of the day and tell him. When you're living apart there are so many new things happening on a daily basis- so if you don't keep people in the loop then before you know it you just don't feel connected with the life that other person is living. There's nothing worse than saying "you know that guy?" and just getting a blank "no" back.
Phew! That was quite a long post there. Sorry if that was a bit of a serious overload! If you have any thoughts on the whole long distance shabang I'd love to hear them. And if you're currently doing long distance then keep going. When it's worth it, it's worth it.
Jeff and I did long distance for a year, after only about 4 months of dating! And then long distance again when he studied abroad. You're right, it is definitely hard, but we also found that some of the things you mentioned really helped, especially staying in touch with eachother's respective lives. We made it through and have been together for 6+ years now, so it's definitely worth it!! =)
ReplyDeleteYes, the long distance is hard but it's not impossible with good communication (or rather excellent communication ^_^). My bf and I have been long distance since day one, we actually started our relationship while he was on another continent and had met only twice before that, I guess we are a little crazy but it totally imposed itself on us and we've been together over 18 months now! All of your advice are very good Ally, I'd add a few things. First, share improbable things from the distance. For example, I have an obsession with starbucks's chai tea latte because they're the only ones to have soy milk so it's the only place I can have lattes at (being lactose intolerant in France is hard), it's a little joke between us, so we'd buy a chai latte and call each other to drink it a the same time. Watching series and films over skype is great as well!
ReplyDeleteIf there's something funny, new, don't wait for the evening to call, send a little text immediately, it really makes up for the lack of face to face time.
I think distance is ok as long as you have a deadline in mind. If you know that in a year, or in two, you'll be able to be together again, I think anyone in love can manage.
And skype EVERY SINGLE DAY! Even for a minute :) We should publish a guide for the distance lovers! haha!
DeleteIt's so hard! We've been doing it for three years now, got married in March and now I'm pregnant and still living LDR. Husband is in Germany and I'm still in England! X
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely and encouraging post Ally, it's nice to see a change from the usual post (although I love those too). I can't pretend to know the difficulties of long-distance because I live literally 5 minutes from my beau. but I once was in the position of starting off a LDR - I wanted to but he thought he was futile to start LDR and we would miss all that lovely bit at the start of the relationship. (He's the one that got away...) XXX
ReplyDeleteI was in an LDR UK to US for two years, it had hard at times but in the end it's been totally worth it and it certainly made us stronger as a couple and individually. All the main things have already been mentioned that we use to do - MSN daily, texting and such, we use to have movie dates msn'ing while watching the same movie which was fun. Having the same goal and drive to finally be together really does help, LDR's can be hard when there's no end of the LDR in sight.
ReplyDeleteI've just finished a year of long distance- we'd only been dating for a few weeks when he moved to the Netherlands. It's been hard but so worth it, and what worked for us was staying really involved in each other's lives. Also WhatsApp was a lifesaver, what with it being an international LDR! Now he lives 5 minutes away and it was totally worth all the hard work, so keep at it and good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. It's so easy to feel alone in a long-distance relationship, so it's nice to be reminded that other people are going through it too. This year was my first year doing long distance with my boyfriend, and it certainly has been trying, but I am happy to say that I've managed to compromise with him enough that we only have three more weeks of living apart left before we can move in together! We are two hours apart as well, so we do get to see each other on weekends, but we find the same thing as you - we are always tired when we see each other and so don't want to do things, then complain about how we wasted the weekend or how we never get to se our friends. All I can say is that without us calling each other every single night we are apart, I'm not sure we would have made it this far. It's only through staying in each other's lives that we have been able to maintain the connection that we have. If you can get through an LDR, you can get through anything, I reckon! xx
ReplyDeleteI honestly think if it wasn't for the long-distance aspect of the relationship me and my (now) husband started out with we wouldn't be such a strong couple. We were four hours apart for 2 years and it was some of the toughest moments of my life and I wouldn't want to do it again but it made us really work at our relationship. Some of the best things about long-distance was that we both got time to be ourselves, when I wasn't with him I got the chance to hang out with my friends, do things on my own and generally enjoy my own company whereas I definitely would of had a tendancy to want to spend every waking second with my partner and totally ignore I had a life outside of my relationship.
ReplyDeleteYou're obivously already doing everything right, just remember it won't be forever. Me and my partner are now happily married of 3 years so we're testament that these things do work out! :)